I’m not a brand-new parent fumbling with car seats anymore, but I’m also not a seasoned veteran who has it all together. I’m somewhere in between — the messy middle. I can pack lunches in ten minutes, but I still forget it’s spirit week until my kid shows up at school in the wrong outfit! That’s the messy middle — I know some things by heart, but I’m still blindsided daily.
Naming the Middle Ground
Our household is no longer part of the new parent survival mode, but we’re nowhere near pros. We wing it more times than not and I’m not afraid to admit that. Every kid is different. They have their own personalities, struggles, emotions, and more. We learned that approaching each kid’s situation the same way will never end well. Most of the time letting our kids have their meltdowns at home and not acknowledging the behavior will “fix” it all decently quickly.
But for J who’s on the spectrum that approach rarely works, depending on the stage of his meltdown. The best approach for him is redirection. 90% of the time redirection reduces his meltdown or stops it completely. Unfortunately, there’s no one-size-fits-all fix.
A and L fight and bicker constantly, to the point I just want to let them duke it out. Telling them to stop and leave each other alone has worked less and less as they get older. Figuring out how to handle that? Still very much a work in progress.
The messy middle means realizing that what would work yesterday may flop today — and that’s not failure, it’s the heart of parenting — it’s normal. In the messy middle, the playbook keeps changing — and half the time I’m writing it as I go.
The Challenges of the Middle
I’m constantly questioning myself — “Am I doing this right?” The truth is, there really isn’t a clear right or wrong answer. The reality is, we know our kids best. We know what will and won’t work on a normal day. What I struggle with is getting in the same routine, afraid to try something new because I don’t want to feel like I’ve failed. But as parents, we need to normalize failure. I’ve had to learn that failure is part of this. My kids won’t always ace the test or get the lead role, that’s okay. The hard part is teaching them that losing doesn’t mean their feelings don’t matter. That’s where it gets messy — holding space for disappointment while still nudging them forward. When you’re juggling multiple kids, multiple different personalities, and age gaps — the lines blur. It’s not that we don’t know what we’re doing — it’s that what we’re doing keeps needing to change.
The Wins We Forget To Celebrate
Last week, when J had a meltdown over his tablet dying, I surprised myself. Normally I would’ve snapped under the stress of his meltdown, but this time I took a deep breath, composed myself, and together we figured out how to tackle his problem (even though we both knew the answer.) That’s growth — the kind we forget to celebrate. Think about how much you’ve already overcome. You’ve tackled sleepless nights, running on fumes. You’ve tackled countless tantrums, even when you’ve wanted to have them yourself. You’ve adapted through transitions and obstacles, even when it wasn’t a straight road to navigate. You’ve done all these things even though there was no clear path to follow, and look where you are now. Parenting is never going to be black and white, but that’s okay because the endless colors make it all uniquely yours. You have done more and conquered more than you may give yourself credit for — even if no one says it out loud, you deserve that credit. Period.
Lessons From the Middle
Parenting is not about being “perfect” or an “expert” in all things. It’s making sure our kids are growing and learning — we’re doing it with them. Sometimes I lose my lid and yell. I hate it, but it happens. What matters is what comes next: I apologize, we talk it through, and we move on. My kids don’t need a perfect parent – they need a parent who shows them how to repair after mistakes. We’re human. We have human reactions. I don’t want myself or my kids to feel shame for how we react in the moment. What matters is learning to pause afterward and ask, “How could I have reacted differently?” That’s the lesson: what matters is how we handle our reactions — and how our kids see us handle the aftermath. That’s what they’ll carry with them. Parenting is a moving target — every stage brings new challenges. The middle is where resilience, humor, and perspective are built. It’s okay to be figuring it all out deep into the journey.
The messy middle isn’t a season to survive — it’s where real parenting lives. If you’re in the messy middle too, know you’re not alone — we’re figuring it out together.